Mr. Allen lives in Glen Ridge, New Jersey with his wife, Eve, and two sons, Davis and Glen.
He would love to hear from you at email@example.com
I won’t tell you her name, but I will tell you when and where it hit me. It was in Latin class during the spring semester of the eighth grade.
She was beautiful and smart. What a wonderful smile. What a cheerful laugh. Blonde… blonde doesn’t hurt. Poised. Friendly. And smart… did I mention that?
We shared three other classes: Advanced Math, Science and History. How could I not have noticed her before?
At night, as I would go to sleep I could imagine our future life. We would study together. Tell jokes. Hold hands. Kiss, even.
She would be in a car accident and I would take care of her until she recovered.
I would develop a terrible disease and she would stay by my side in the hospital, holding my hand and crying. I’d pull through and we would swear to each other never to be apart.
We would marry.
Our love developed like this from the fall through the winter.
She must have noticed that I was staring at her.
One day she followed me to my locker; our first face-to-face meeting!
She said, “Hi.”
I was mortified… struck dumb. “I… I…” I stammered, “I can’t talk to you right now. I’m very busy.”
I slammed my locker and ran down the hall. I’d hoped she thought I was on a secret mission and was needed somewhere in a hurry. I did not want her to think I was running from her.
That night I could not sleep. What was wrong with me? I was an idiot. Was that any way to treat your lover?
I feared she would never speak to me again.
I was right; she never did.
And she was the only woman on the entire planet who would ever be right for me.
My torture lasted through the summer. I don’t remember when it stopped. Mourning doesn’t end abruptly… it fades away.
So that is how I spent my eighth grade; the first half in the future and the second half in the past.
What a hell is immature love.Love is found in the now, not in the then or the when.
Science Takes a Look at Love
In June of 2006 I had dinner with a young newlywed couple in London, England. They had just read my story, How Grandmother Won Granddad in a Beauty Contest, in the May issue.
The young bride asked me, “How do you know that you’ve met that one person out there who is just perfect for you?”
I don’t know the answer, but I find the question very disturbing since it implies that there is only one perfect person yet it is likely that if you’re going to be married for any length of time there will be plenty of opportunity to uncover your mate’s imperfections and convince yourself that you’ve stopped looking too early.
This March I was again in London and again I had dinner with another newly married young couple. They too had read the story of my grandparents. She was beautiful and literate. He was handsome and charming. They held hands, snuggled and kissed a lot
Like my grandparents, they had married within weeks of first meeting.
Isn’t it romantic?
I think so.
But also scary.
I couldn’t put my finger on it until I read the book, The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt, a psychology professor at the University of Virginia. The book discusses the science of happiness. In his chapter Love and Attachments he explains that long-term relationships must be based on companionship, not passion. You just aren’t physiologically capable of extended bouts of passionate love; you’ll develop tolerance to the dopamine you’re producing.
Thinking back, my grandparents never talked about youthful passion. They talked about the great adventures they had together and they talked about how lonely they were before they met.
For a love to last a long time you must be long time companions, not just a lovers.