Dear IF readers,

Grandma Ellen here.

I’ve had occasion this past week to think deeply about the concept of “art
for art’s sake”. What occasioned these thoughts was seeing the film “The
Diving Bell and the Butterfly” and the reaction to it by friends in St.
Louis. My husband, the friends who saw it with us, and I all thought the
film was remarkable, “a masterpiece of cinema”, as I wrote to the Baltimore
Sun’s movie critic. But only I sobbed at the end of the movie. The
protagonist was a cad in his former ‘whole’ life. His life in the film is lived in a post-stroke body. And in his reminiscences, which give him solace from his now-transformed existence as an inert body with a fully functioning mind, he does not gloss over his past misspent life, nor does he become introspective and remorseful. (My husband says that his lack of reflection and remorse is in itself interesting). But somehow the director enabled me not only to see how the now-depleted ‘hero’ sees, but to feel how he feels. A remarkable cinematic achievement, and the effect that led to my sobbing, I realize now. I could not identify with the man, but somehow I was able to empathize with him. This, to me, was the result of the art of the film. My St. Louis friends, however, dismissed the film because they felt the protagonist was a shallow, unreflective “ornament” and, therefore, found the film uninteresting. I think they were unable to separate the film itself from the character portrayed - a critical error in art criticism. I wonder if they dismiss “Madame Bovary” because Emma Bovary is a less-than-admirable woman.

And I wonder if the age of the film’s ‘hero’ - 43 — when he suffered a
devastating stroke - had something to do with his inability to admit to his
callousness. The movie leads one to this line of thought because the most
affecting scenes in the film are the two in which Max von Sydow appears as
the man’s 92-year-old father. Maybe a total of ten minutes of film time,
but certainly one of the most touching portrayals of wisdom and empathy
hard-won through years and years of living ever seen on screen. Von Sydow
makes us believe that the art of life can be achieved simply through the
living of it.

Well wishes and fufilling lives, Grandma Ellen, Ellen Blaustein, US, grandmaellen@internationalfamilymag.com

Dear IF readers,

Yesterday I arrived back from a visit to Gammy and Papa Carlos in Miami. Gammy is Jax’s Godmother. She watches over all of us. Gammy is the Little Marta of International Family Magazine’s launch issue. She rescued herself from Cuba and Fidel Castro at age 15 and spent the next 15 years getting the rest of her family safely to the United States. Her home in Miami has a garden filled with trees and plants to eat at their table. They have never forgotten that things in Cuba changed in one day, the money system converted in 24 hours, and that there was nothing. The fruit trees are just in case it ever happens again, and they can feed the family till they find safe harbor. Their family is large with Papa Carlos, Mammy (92 years old, Marta’s mother), Juanito (Marta’s sister’s best friend), nieces, great nieces and nephews, and on and on to the dogs and cats, and any stray that walks into their life.

Marta was my boss in Wall Street over a decade ago. She was a woman without her own biological children but caring for many. I admired her so much for her strength, courage and resourcefulness. Marta encouraged me to leave her employment because wanted me to write and start something creative. She didn’t see me working with money and numbers for long. Marta encouraged me to have my babies before work got in the way. Out of gratitude at my first pregnancy that took a few years after I quit all the traveling and stress, I asked her to be Jax’s Godmother. She accepted and took us all into her wisdom. The boys and I travel to see her often just hoping that the great light that surrounds her will shine on us as well. We joke that she brings us luck. Gammy comes to all of Jax events of christening and birthdays, and sends things often. She has led a rigorous life of hard work, the highest integrity, great tenacity, loyalty and above all the joy of living. I have never heard such a mountainous laugh as hers. I hope that Jax will learn these qualities from her, and I see it in him often, the questions of good and bad, right and wrong, love, loyalty and spirituality, the joie de vivre.

What a nice weekend with my dear family friends. The cooking was as usual wonderful. We always eat midday, and then siesta, then rise with a Cuban coffee at four. This weekend I had a wonderful spanish pumpkin and vegetable soup with lime and cilantro. It was a nice respite. I went by myself. Today, back with my little family of Jax, Papa, Brody and myself, I am charged with energy and gratitude. I bring books packed in my suitcase by Gammy and Papa Carlos. Brody made Jax and I take turns to play teacher and read him the pages. We raised our hands and giggled when he would say, “No, now it is my turn to read.” I think I brought Gammy’s laughter home with me.

Good reading, Cat Wayland, cat@internationalfamilymag.com

Dear IF readers,

So sorry to be away a few days.  The youth night at church, a shut in of youth ministry for Martin Luther King Day, U.S., went very well.  To be honest, stuck in the middle of teenage girls playing music and being in their little groups, I recalled my own adolescent awkwardness.  Other than one other Mom, Dominique who had coordinated the evening and was hands-on busy, I knew no one.  Thank goodness I brought my Sunday New York Times and could sit on the side lines abit.  But as the evening progressed, great discussions were held, guitar and music was played and T-shirts for the Martin Luther King march was made.  What a wonderful group of young girls trying to find their place in the world and presenting themselves with kindness and good-hearted ideologies. 

The next day Papa brought Brody and Jax to the church early enough to help wake the teenagers out of slumber and get ready for the march.  He had to fly to NYC that morning.  I should have brought a stroller for Brody.  He insisted I carry him for the entire march.  His little 3 year old legs so small, I could not say no.  Our minister met us at the high school, the school band arrived, locals, and we marched.  I was elated by the reinactment and saddened all at once.  The truth that I can see in our U.S. and the world today is that we have come far with race relations and not so far at all.  There is still so much seperation between race and cultures.  And then I thought to my little project, International Family Magazine, and as Brody bounced on my back, and I ran catching up to Jax and our minister’s son Will, I thought…….one little rock can push up the side of a hill and become a mountain.  I cannot solve the world’s hatred, but if “IF Mag” can be a community of love, a light in the dark, a beacon if you will - I can feel that I played a part in peace and hope, rather than complaint and cynicism. The word ”if” was so powerful when Beth and I lauched the magazine….”if we could see one another as extended family, if we could honor dignity and chaos.” And my part as founder and editor must be enough for my philosophy-into-action in the world, because I still have these two little boys to raise into kind-hearted, good men that can take that light as their own someday.

The balance in life is critical.  Beth and I always said that if “IF Mag” took over our own family life in a negative way, we would have to stop.  Beth’s family needed her, so she had to step down.  I honor that decision with such respect.  Right now IF magazine is such a powerful positive force in my family life, and it makes friends for our family every day, travel, etc.  If ever I am more the editor of IF magazine, and less of a mom to Jax and Brody or wife to John, it cannot continue.  I could not live with that hypocrisy.  So marching that morning with my children beside me laughing and running along, I thought this is good, very good.  And it may not change the world.  But this march and IF Magazine sits right with the world this morning, in the U.S. thinking about the rest of the world marching with us, singing along.

Peace and good reading, Cat Wayland, IF Mag Editor, cat@internationalfamilymag.com

Dear IF readers,

I have been reading abit on the male to female ratio in China lately. Since the 1-child per family policy was put in place in China over the last 25 years, the preferred male tradition has set off a gender imbalance in the population. There are many more men than women. This imbalance makes dating, marriage and family life shift dramatically in China.

Firstly, this generation of young people will support the elders of their family without help from siblings. As we have spoken of in this IF Mag issue in January, the Chinese value highly the care of their elders. With less females, the care of elderly will shift to more of the younger males than in the past.

The dating scene is changing in China. With fewer women to date, women are in a power position in this new social dynamic. A Chinese man wanting to date or marry, must now compete against a larger population of male suitors than in the past.

Finally, there is speculation that this larger amount of males might cause a more aggressive and frustrated population of single men. How will that translate into the new social order in China? It is powerful to think of the irony caused by a 1 child policy preferring males that could backfire and disempower Chinese men with such an imbalance in the gender ratio.

There are many great news sites taking up these discussions, ie NPR and China Digital Times. Google them both and read!

Good reading, Cat Wayland

Dear IF readers,

Tomorrow evening I will go to my church to participate with a youth ministry group in an evening into morning of preparation for Martin Luther King Jr. Day in the U.S. I was honored to be asked. I understand that I am now in the position of role model and elder. I want to take very seriously this request. I think about the adults in my life as a youth that made an impression on me. The truth was, many did, good and bad. And I did draw from those memories when making my own decisions as a young adult. I felt a bit unguided as a youth. I hungrily absorbed observations of adults that I was exposed to. Many disappointed me. They seemed busy, distracted, out of touch with kids, self-absorbed, patronizing. The adults that taught me self-respect,boundaries and kindness are memories of superheroes to me. I hope to be that type of adult to my sons, young IF readers, my students and the youth ministry group tomorrow evening.

Good reading and blessings, Cat Wayland, IF Magazine Editor, cat@internationalfamilymag.com

Dear IF readers,

For some reason, I have quite a few friends that are over 65 years of age. I have always liked people with so much quiet and wisdom all at once. Two of those friends are Eileen and Donald. My husband and I have known them as a couple for over 5 years. We have invited them for breakfasts, lunches, dinners and family celebrations. And they have returned our invitations with their gracious generosities as well. Eileen and I share the same birthday and last year we started a special tradition of celebrating together. They have become a part of our family community. A picture of them riding an elephant sits on my bookcase in our bedroom. They are world travellers. They are volunteers in community organizations. They laugh alot and tell stories, I love their stories. Eileen and Donald love to sit with people making eye contact and chatting. They are exquisite storytellers. I will never forget a trip they took to Egypt and Eileen’s description of her spiritual experiences there. Then there was Donald’s trip to his family’s homeland of Ireland. They both paint the visuals with such colors and detail, you are riding on the bus with them, the countryside twirling along, touching the gravel, smelling the cooking.

But I know that what also drew them to me was that they have been a couple for so many years. Sometime in the last five years of my own marriage to John, I thought to myself, “My parents divorced, and my in laws have passed away, who will show me how to survive this thing called marriage?” I needed mentors. Then along came Eileen and Donald. They are a deiightful couple in all the ways that couples can be. They love one another and find each other human and muselike all at once. They tease and joke and tell stories. Eileen and Donald are so complimentary that I think of them all at once, but seperate as well. They allow each other’s space with such respect and grace. They seem to weave in and out of each other’s days, weeks and years. What they share is immeasurable. What they have achieved on their own is mountains. I knew I needed them in my journey. I needed an example of survival with humor and love, not just duty and obligation. What they have taught me most is that forgiveness gives the spirit youth and bouyancy like no other virtue in the world. And if you stick around long enough, and find the crests that come right after a terrible trough of pain and hardship, you can fall in love with one another, again and again. As I enter my 10 year wedding anniversary year, I chuckle to myself that this thing called longevity surprises my wandering gypsy soul and awakens it like no other. A long marriage is now a goal of mine. It offers me such excitement to see what is next.

Good day IF readers, blessings, Cat Wayland

Saturday night is date night at our house. Sometimes we go to dinner alone, dinner with another couple(s), or to a movie. When the kids were babies, all we could muster was the movie, sitting, eating all the popcorn and candy we could. But still we held hands or I put my head on John’s shoulder and tried to imagine that when the kids left for college, that this would feel like growing old together. The other night was the Kite Runner, the film adaptation of the bestseller by Khaled Hosseini.

The Kite Runner is told in English and Dari, and it is set in Afganistan and America. The story is of two boyhood friends, a rich boy and his servant’s son. A terrible tragedy occurs of bullies raping Hassan and Amir witnessing the event in silence and shame. The relationship falls apart, and Amir orchestrates Hassan and his father’s dismissal from the house. The Russians invade Afghanistan and Amir and his father emigrate to America.

The movie opens and closes in modern day in which Amir is an adult and finds out that Hassan has been killed and his son has been taken by the Taliban. Amir goes back to Afghanistan to the right the wrong of his childhood, and raise Hassan’s son as his own. In the process, Amir finds out that he and Hassan were blood brothers because of an affair of his father.

The Kite Runner is photographically beautiful and the 2 languages weave together like music. It was a wonderfully told story, and allowed the movie viewer to step into the idyllic early Afghanistan, and the war torn later place. Movies help to walk inside another person’s shoes. It inspired me me as an International Editor to share as many stories as there are storytellers. The world is made up of stories and storytellers. Some of them are sitting right in your own living room. Tell each other every word.

Blessings and good reading, Cat Wayland, cat@internationalfamilymag.com, www.internationalfamilymag.com

Dear Catherine and IF readers,

I’ve only just read the January 8 thoughts from the young reader and her
feelings toward her mother. So here is my answer.

To the IF Familymag reader who is feeling conflicted about not having
feelings of love toward her aged mother in a nursing home:

Do not beat up on yourself because you aren’t emotionally attached to your
mother. Mothers have to earn the love of their children. If they give
love, they get it in return. Yours didn’t. The responsibility you are
taking for your mother’s well-being in the nursing home is as much as can be
asked of you. I have an older sister who gave me only grief growing up, and
now wants my undying loyalty and affection. I am incapable of giving it to
her. I accept that in myself, as you should in relation to your mother. Do
the best you can for her. That, in fact, is what you are doing, and that is
all anyone can ask of you.

Grandma Ellen

Dear IF reader,

We are talking about aging and senior citizens in this January issue. I just arrived home from my MNO (Mom Night Out), to find the BNO (Boys Night Out) remains of food plates, camping blankets in front of the television and gamma ray hangovers on all males in my house. I went to see American actors Jack Nicholson and Morgan Friedman, 2 of my favorite seniors in this country (US) in a movie, “Bucket List”. The movie was about 2 men that end up in a hospital in the same room. As the movie opens, they are total strangers. Once their mutual doctor tells them individually that they have very little time left on Earth, they become fast friends. They decide to take on an end-of-life adventure together, fufilling wishes they put on their bucket list. This “bucket” list covers things they should do before they “kick the bucket”. (If anyone understands the origin of this expression which means “to die”, I would be pleased to hear the backstory on this). It was sweet and touching. The message in the movie seemed to be “carpe diem” - seize the day. I have heard too many friends and families tell stories of the hardworking man or woman, that finally retired to live the good life and died unexpectedly. I remember specifically a woman who had worked as a secretary for over 35 years and her husband had worked in construction for 40 plus years. She was such a lovely person, and she was so happy when her husband and she retired. Then she called the house to say that her husband had passed away and she would be selling her Florida home because there was no one to enjoy it with. I felt so sad and angry that she had been robbed. Then there was another woman I knew that’s husband died right after his retirement. I thought she might react the same way. Well, she seemed to mourn for 6 months with grace and lovely memories that she shared with others. Then to cheer herself up, she took a dance class. She met a man that danced like Fred Astaire and made her giggle like a school girl, and finally became her second husband. I was so pleased for her spunk, her optimism. She inspired me. I learned from her that until the music stops, I must tango on.

Blessings, Catherine, IF Mag Editor, cat@internationalfamilymag.com, http://www.internationalfamilymag.com

Dear IF Readers,

Grandma Ellen has added some more blog notes from her journal of thoughts for January issue:

“We gave our grandson, Ben, a popcorn maker for one of his Hanukkah gifts. It was waiting for him when he and his family returned from Florida on January 1st, and he immediately called us up to tell us how much he liked it. Until recently, he would never even talk to us when we ‘phoned, much less initiate a call by himself. So we are just thrilled when he does that. One of the true joys of being a grandparent!!” Grandma Ellen, Ellen Blaustein, Maryland, USA

Dear IF readers,

The topic of aging has inspired many readers. I received a message this evening that the reader was “touched” by the stories, and inspired. She thanked me for not preaching but gently telling a story or two, that made her think about her children and how she had cared for them, and how she felt strongly that the love they shared made her feel cared for as she got older. Brava, brava. How wonderful to hear.

The topic of aging has hit a nerve. Seniors want to feel valued and don’t and they are messaging this to me. Thank you for that. I myself am incensed by the undervalued seniors of this world. I personally prefer persons of a greater maturity in age and wisdom. My husband is 10 years older than me, and one time a friend of mine said, “If you hadn’t fallen in love with John, would you have married someone younger, more your age?” I remember not even thinking and said, “Oh sometimes I think I would have married older than John, for me beauty is in the eyes, beautiful, wise, century-old eyes, John had lived so many lives in his eyes.”

And some younger family members feel conflicted. I received a message from a reader that said, “I want to feel loyal to my aging mother, but don’t. The truth is she didn’t teach me loyalty. She was in fact, unloyal to my needs. How do I care for someone with love when I do not feel what others describe as the love they feel. I feel that I love her as she loved me, apathetic, dispassionate, but at the same time rational, reasonable. My mother lives in a nursing home, I visit sometimes, and I check in her care and her finances to make sure her needs are met. I just don’t know how to be so personal and meet the emotional needs of someone so estranged.”

This last sentiment I find interesting as a dialogue. I will ask Grandma Ellen to respond to this. Filial duty in some countries such as Asia, is not a fair exchange, it is a spiritual and family obligation. In other countries, the individual and the individual situation is considered. How do you as a reader answer this debate of tradition versus more contemporary views?

Good reading and blessings, Cat Wayland IF Editor

Source: Wolfram Eberhard. (1952) Chinese Festivals. New York NY: Henry Schuman, p.43-44

The Story of the Ancestral Tablets

A common feature of the rural Chinese home is the ancestral tablet. This folktale provides one version of how such tablets came to be.

I once asked a Chinese schoolboy about the origin of the ancestral tablet, and he told me the following story:

Once upon a time there was a very cruel and bad man who did not love his mother. He did nothing she wanted him to do, but only scolded her. Whenever he came home he immediately wanted a meal. But who can make a wole meal in a minute? So be beat her and scolded her. But the softhearted woman did not complain. One day, when working in the fields, the son heard the cawing of crows in the air and saw a crow with food in its mouth, coming from a far away place to a tree at the corner of the field, to feed its young. He was moved and thought, “These crow are birds but even they collect food from their relatives and care for them. This means that I am not even as good as a bird. I am acting ungratefully towards my mother. My father died long ago, and even if I were to behave as well as I could, I still could not make her forget his death. Shame on me.” He decided to be nice to his mother from then on.

Just at this time, his mother came to bring him his lunch. As soon as he saw her, he started running toward her to take lunch so that she wouldn’t have to walk so far. It was his first good deed for the old lady. But how could she know about his sudden change of heart? She thought he would beat her as usual. So she hurriedly put down the basket with the lunch and started running away. It happened that she hit a small tree, fell down and died. The son was deeply disturbed, and in order to keep his mother and this unhappy event in mind forever, he cut down the small tree and made a small tablet which he preserved. Thus the ancestral tablet came into being.

Good reading and blessings, Cat Wayland

Dear IF readers,

Our dear friend and columnist Ellen Blaustein, IF Mag’s “Grandma Ellen” gave me some blog notes to continue her thoughts on aging, here they are:

“I’ve been feeling assaulted by articles about old people. The New York Times runs something almost every day about seniors being abused, taken advantage of, ill-cared for by our health care system, yada, yada, yada. The corker was an extended article on the front page a few days ago about a man, 76, who had given all his money away to a lady friend, lost his home, declared bankruptcy and now wants to sue all the agencies responsible for his plight. It reminds me of the man who kills his parents, and then asks for mercy from the judge because he is, alas, an orphan! Only this fellow said he should not be held responsible for his actions because he is old!! I’m only eight years younger than he is, and my husband is only four years younger, and this kind of nonsense really makes me angry. Old folks want respect in this fine country of ours? Well, let ‘em take responsibility for their own actions.” Ellen Blaustein aka Grandma Ellen, Columnist, IF Mag

Good reading, Cat Wayland

“I want to thank you all that you have been enjoying yourselves with Pokemon in many countries and in many languages. I am very glad if you would make friends with each other when you grow up through Pokemon. I hope that Pokemon would be your good friend forever.”

Satoshi Tajiri, 42, Creator of Pokemon.

Source:
http://users.otenet.gr/~tzelepisk/yc/st.htm

Dear Satoshi,

Thank you for your wonderful Pokemon. I am a mother of two boys, a teacher and editor of International Family Magazine. I choose not to reject my son’s fascinations until I have fully investigated them. I read everything about Spiderman and found he was a standup guy who wanted to help people, protect his family, and fight the bad guys. And when Jax played with a big boy Lucas that he looked up to one day by the pool, he fell in love with Pokemon. And so, I read and looked at everything Pokemon, and I fell in love too.

Pokemon evolve and strengthen their magical powers. They use their powers to battle but their battles are more like martial arts, no one dies. Pokemon trainers catch Pokemon and help the Pokemon to evolve themselves. Some of the famous trainers are Ash, Misty and Brock. They are the good guys. Ash, Misty and Brock are good hearted, protective of their Pokemon, and do the right thing. The bad guys are the Rocket Team, they are vain and greedy and behave badly.

Jax and Brody collect Pokemon and organize them in their evolutions and their energy categories of Water, Grass, Fire et al. The level of intelligent reasoning and logic that the Pokemon game requires of my five and three year old is engaging and challenging. The morality that my children discuss over the right or wrong treatment of Pokemon is inspiring. I chose not to reject Pokemon because of a superficial appearance of “battling” which could only mean something awful, violent and evil. Because of my choice, I found a rich narrative game that endows my children with hours of quality enjoyment and friendships with other Pokemon collecting pals.

Satoshi, your wish for global friendship and play came true for this American family so far away from Japan, you and the children of your country that started Pokemon. It warms my heart that Jax and Brody could get on a plane with their card-collecting binders and find friends in Japan to play with. I wonder if any Moms in Japan will trade me any cards from my binder as well? Thank you, Catherine Wayland