Dear IF readers,

We are in New Orleans for Jazz Fest.  John and I have come every year since we began dating 15 years ago.  Now we bring Brody and Jax, it recharges us as a family.  We dance together for days, laugh and eat food that is rich and decadent.  We throw caution to the wind.  It heals all of us from our routine and our “to dos” - must pay bills, must sit correctly at dinner table, must eat protein before sugar, must work to pay bills, must, must, shouldn’t, can’t.  Those words are not so plenty here.  Ahhhh….

New Orleans has always given to my soul.  I ponder this now as I write about mothers and mothering for the month of May.   I was on my own in the world at the age of twelve and I missed some critical years of mothering.  It took me years to find that in myself rather than in something outside of me, another person, a food, a drink, a shopping spree, etc.  But I did finally.  I found a voice in me that says, “go home, and get some rest.”  My inner mother voice now says, “don’t say yes right away, don’t argue right away, don’t run away.”  For me to be right or better than very wrong for my boys, I had to learn to mother me first.  And even now with my boys.  I am no good to them if I am starving, drained, exhausted, etc. 

Easier said than done right?  We mothers always come last.  Yes, I agree and no, I disagree.  It depends on how “I” and the operative word is “I” take care of me.  If I am working and have the kids the next day, I open my mouth and ask John to help me make the bag lunches the next day.  I know I am better after a morning walk so I set my alarm and get up with my flashlight and power walk before John and the boys wake at usually 6:45 or 7:00 a.m.   If it has been a long day, a frozen dinner or a pick up pizza on the way home will do just fine.  

I check in with myself alot - “What can I handle?”  And then I put that into the equation of what is on the schedule for the family.  My husband spends the week working in a chair on the phone in front of the computer and loves to take the boys on big adventures over the weekends, because he is restless and has missed the boys.  Sometimes I am too pooped for big adventures because my Mon-Fri rocks with activities.  So, sometimes we seperate the boys and he spends some one on one with our older son who can handle the big fun and the three year old and I putz around doing housework together and taking a nap.  The we hire a sitter for a Saturday date night and have a nice dinner together which I love.

I don’t think there is ever a science to the mother thing but I do try to be a happy mom.  And in order to be a happy mom, I need to be happy.  So, I skip things that don’t seem so important and I try to fight the big battles not every one that might drain me.  I take shortcuts on cooking every meal but try to give my family a balanced, nutritious menu.  I try to find exciting things for my children and I to do together that are easier on me, ie a community interactive museum rather than volunteering as class parent.  Believe me I contribute and volunteer but not when I know I am overwhelmed already.  I pace myself, “yes I can volunteer Saturday 12-3 p.m, sorry no I can’t give an unlimited amount of time to that vague, undersupported and unfocused project.”

It is such a hard thing to wake up one day with a baby cradled in your arms that is screaming for love and realize that you were a little more empty on the love thing yourself.  Yikes!  And even if you started the mother thing in a good path, alot of negative feedback from your kids, “I want, I need, this is awful, I hate this socks, nobdy likes me, wha wha wha”, could have sent Ghandi packing his bags and jumping in the jeep with Hunter Thompson looking for the Wild Ride.  Knit yourself a sweater, take a bubble bath, buy a great book for when the kids are napping. Love love love you.  Then you can give love. We cannot give what we do not have.   Love to all you mamas, Cat Wayland

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